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by CopperCaravan



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 01:55:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10294850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CopperCaravan/pseuds/CopperCaravan
Summary: Entries on a holotape left on Father's terminal after his older sibling and the child-synth have disappeared from the Institute.





	1. OCT 31 2287

**Author's Note:**

> So we had that super fun self-insert January and instead of it being light and hilarious like it should have been (me, running 60 mph from a deathclaw who only wants pats), it ended up being me depressed about the potential of my brother turning into the director of the Institute.   
> So for this fic, the Survivor is actually "Shaun's" big sibling and he'd have been kidnapped from the vault when he was a young child, not an infant.

Dear brother,

We never should have come here.

Though I imagine we’d probably be dead if we hadn’t. I wonder if that wouldn’t be better. Not for _you_ to be dead, but I just mean...

I don’t know. All I could think as we were running for the vault was that it was just like the storm pit, all those times we had to go underground because of tornadoes. If I’d been able to get away, I think I would have; you know I always hated being in that thing—better to die quick than slow, buried underground. And then... Well, I still think I was right. I hope Mom and Dad didn’t feel it when their pods gave out. I hope nobody did.

I don’t know where you are but I know you’re still alive. I can feel it. I know you and Mom always laughed at me when I said things like that but I just know it. And for the record, I _was_ right about the cat.

You’ll never guess who I found: Codsworth. He was still trimming Mom’s flowers... what was left of them anyway (which wasn’t much). She’d be proud of him in an ‘oh no all my flowers are dead, God curse the nukes’ sort of way.

I’ve been sleeping in our old room for lack of anywhere else to go. In the morning, I’m heading out though. Not sure where those people took you, but I’ve got to start somewhere. I thought I’d borrow Hawthorne’s terminal for tonight though (yes, it’s actually still here! All the good stuff’s gone though) so I could write this. Just seemed like the right thing to do, I guess. To be honest, I’m not sure how long I’m going to last out here. And if I don’t, Codsworth promised he’d keep looking. So if I don’t find you, he’ll give you this because if nothing else I want you to know that I tried and that I love you and that, for my sake, you had better be ok.


	2. NOV 15 2287

Dear brother,

Back at Hawthorne’s. This little mobile pip-thing that I got from the vault has a radio on it and after a bit of twisting and cursing, I found a radio station. Not an emergency station, but a real music-playing radio station. The DJ is sort of... but anyway, he calls it Diamond City Radio and if there’s a radio station like that then there must be some place with enough stability to house it so I decided to head there—wherever “there” is—and maybe I can get something out to you on the broadcast.

But I didn’t get very far. Met some people, saw a monster (you wouldn’t believe me if I told you—or maybe you would, I dunno what you’ve seen out here since they took you), had to fight some people. It made me think of all the times you talked about being a soldier when you grew up. Made me think of all the times I said something like “you can’t ever really be prepared to kill a person.” I was right. And no, I don’t really want to talk about it, I just

I remember the first time I picked up a real gun and took a shot at a paper target. Did you know I couldn’t even bring myself to shoot at the ones that looked like coyotes? That’s what had been printed out for me because, well because of course, but I couldn’t do it, so they had to give me some plain bull’s-eyes instead. With everything I saw today, everything I had to do, it all seems so silly. I still think it’s too much, but on the other hand, if I hadn’t learned to shoot, I guess I’d be dead. Dead _again_. Funny how many times I’ve slipped past that.

Doesn’t matter. It does, but it can’t right now. The anxiety’s bad enough without the medication and with... everything. But I shouldn’t be shoving my issues onto you, not when you’re god knows where and probably scared and don’t even know Mom and Dad are dead and

We have a dog now, by the way. You’ll like him. He’s very scruffy and likes to flop across my lap when we sleep. His name’s Dogmeat. He’s something like the local tramp but he’s taken a liking to me so he follows me everywhere. I guess it was never our house that attracted the strays, just me: Stray Dog Homing Beacon. It’s nice to have a dog again. Codsworth keeps picking dog hair off my clothes.

Me and a dog and a robot walk into a bar...

And I say “ow!” because for once, I’m the tallest.


	3. DEC 20 2287

Dear brother,

Do you remember that bartender I was friends with? The really nice, loud one? Well, I’ve made it here and I’m living in a bar and I swear the man who owns this place is exactly the same. His brother, not so much, but he’s nice too. I know it’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote to you; it took a while to get here—oh, it’s actually called Diamond City; they built it up in the baseball stadium. It’s actually very cool. You’d like it, I think. Maybe when I get you back, we can live here. They have a school and everything; I’m not sure how they handle things like dyslexia nowadays but I’m sure we can figure that out. Maybe I’ll stop in and ask the teacher sometime.

Anyway, it took a while to get here. Partly because I had no idea where the hell I was going and I never did get used to this place; it’s so different from back home and _now,_ it’s even worse! If you thought I complained about the traffic and the jumbled up streets _before_ it all fell down, well let’s just say my mild road rage would be much worse now. I guess the upside to the nuclear war is that I don’t have to bother with driving anymore. But walking places takes a longer time than I’d thought it would and it doesn’t help that on top of all that, there are all sorts of... _things_ out here. I hope that wherever you are, you’re safe because this world is one big ball of Fuck You. I don’t understand so much of it but there’s no making peace with a big, bald bear, let me tell you.

The mayor won’t let me broadcast on the radio; political bullshit about stirring up panic and all that garbage. 200 years and the world has all kinds of mutants but politicians are the same as ever. I met a journalist who told me that there’s a detective in town though! An actual detective with neon signs and all; you’d love it. I’m going to go see him in the morning and find out if he can help me find you.

One way or the other though, I promise.


	4. DEC 29 2287

Dear brother,

Forgive me. I know you’re much too young to be taking on my burdens, particularly given the circumstances. And if you were here with me, I’d never say these sorts of things to you; I shouldn’t write them to you either because I’m afraid that if you ever read this, it’ll be because I’m gone, and what will you do then? Wish that things hadn’t been this way? That we’d been together? That I hadn’t had to face this world by myself? I wish those things too, but I don’t want you reading this and thinking to yourself _if only it’d been different._ That’s why I feel so bad about saying some of this. _I’m_ supposed to take care of _you_ , not the other way round.

But on the other hand, I don’t know who else to tell. There’s no one else who would care. There’s no one left but you and me and all we’ve got now is each other, however far apart we are.

And I’ve got to go do something...

Do you remember when I told you that people don’t hurt the people they care about? I meant that, and it’s true. I would never do anything to hurt you. But if other people were going to hurt you, I would

What I mean is that the detective needs help before he can help me and I think I’m going to have to

On the way here, I’ve had to do things too, but those are things that found me and now I’ve got to go find them, do you understand? Whatever happens today, whoever I have to be, it’s

Sometimes we have to do bad things for the people we love. And I never wanted you to grow up to be a soldier because I didn’t think you could handle all the bad things you weren’t seeing. They told the world that they did bad things for good reasons, and a lot of them believed that I think, but even with good reasons, bad things are still bad things. And I may have to do some bad things today. And I


	5. JAN 08 2288

Dear brother,

I’m still living in the bar. I found the detective—Nick’s not exactly what I expected but he’s nice enough and I’ll take whatever help I can get.

I thought maybe you’d like to know what else I’m doing, so that all the doom and gloom doesn’t get you down. In the mornings, I work with a couple others to clean up the city and maintain things. I’m even starting to get a bit of muscle on me; you’d be proud. That pays for my board at the bar and dinner. It’s worth a laugh, I think: all that time I spent wishing I could get a state job because of the health insurance and here I am with basically a state job and enough caps (caps!) to have bed and bread.

It’s a lot less funny written down, but really.

I’ve also been over to see Piper again. She’s the reporter I told you about. Nice, very talkative, lets me copy edit which is nice. Never imagined I’d have a use for that stupid degree out here but there you go! She’s got a sister your age too; think of the awkward play dates I’ll send you on when you come back. You’ll hate it and it’ll be as normal as can be. Maybe I’ll try to learn to bake or something. I don’t know what you’ve been eating wherever you are but I hope it’s better than what I have, not that I didn’t eat my fair share of questionable things before all this.

Oh! And I did go by the schoolhouse this morning too! Your teacher (well, everybody’s teacher as he’s the only one) didn’t have any idea what I was talking about when I mentioned your dyslexia but luckily there’s a pre-war robot there too and she seemed to have it handled. I imagine that sort of thing was programmed in; hard to believe they haven’t had a use for it yet but there are so few people here...

As for me, well, I’ve found a man in the market who

Well, it’s basically a prescription and it does help a bit with the anxiety so it’s nothing to worry about.

Dogmeat is excited to meet you! I feel like we’re close, really. I’ll find you and we’ll get ourselves some place inside the wall here and you can go back to school and maybe Piper’ll take me on, or I can help out at the bar or something. I don’t know yet—it’s all just details anyway. The important thing is that I’m close! Really, really close! And then we’ll be together again and everything will be ok.


	6. FEB 02 2288

Dear brother,

It’s been a while.

I don’t really know what to say.

When I saw you leaving the vault, you looked so scared and I couldn’t get to you and I guess I’d just thought that...

I’m not sure how I feel now that he’s dead. And Kellogg is dead. I killed him. And I guess I’m sorry for it. Or I guess I want to be.

When I saw you—or when I saw

I don’t know what you know about this world. I don’t know anything; every time I think I’m getting the hang of it, something else comes along and throws me off. But not even fucking teleporting seemed impressive to you.

When I saw you with him, in Diamond City, you seemed ok. You seemed so normal, like any other little boy with comic books and a radio and a... I don’t know what Kellogg was to you. I think, if I had seen all that before I’d spoken with him, that I wouldn’t have done what I did. For your sake, at least. I was just so angry and he was—or I thought he was the thing keeping you from me and this place isn’t the place we came from; I’m not the person I was before, I’m not the big sib you probably remember, and I wish I was but that person seems to have melted away and just left me behind.

Codsworth says a lot that he thinks I’ve forgotten myself, that he wishes I would “snap out of it.” But he doesn’t understand. I guess I think he should because the whole time we were away, down in that vault, he was up here in this world and I _want_ him to have changed like I’m changing but _he just isn’t._

Mom and Dad are _dead._ They’d be disappointed, he says. But they aren’t disappointed; they’re dead. This world killed them and it took you away and I just want my family back and I can’t get it back by being the person I was before.

I’ve long surpassed not being able to shoot at pictures of coyotes, is all. And when I found Kellogg, I was already prepared to

I’m just different. I don’t know how to survive in this world otherwise and I refuse to do anything else. I’m getting you back and then

You can make your own choices then but nothing is going to stop me and I’ll do and be whatever I have to to find you. And I won’t ever ask you to excuse me for it. If Kellogg was anything to you—a father or a brother or whatever—then I won’t ask you to forgive me for what I did. The truth is that I’m not even sorry for it, not really. And the old me would’ve been, would’ve done anything to prevent it because I always thought that people were worth saving but now... I still think that, I just

Nevermind.


	7. MAR 29 2288

Dear brother,

I’m back at Hawthorne’s place. I know he must’ve had a generator under the house somewhere—no way this terminal would still be working otherwise—but I just can’t find the damn thing. Would come in handy, is all.

It’s been a while. And I would say “a lot has happened” but if I’m being honest, none of it really hits me the way it did when all this... started, I guess. If someone had told me “hey kid, you’re gonna have to get blueprints for a teleporter from the Hulk,” I wouldn’t have believed them, even after I knew what the hell a supermutant was. But now nothing really feels real anyway.

The truth is I’m fucked. I know I said I didn’t want to burden you and I don’t but... Wherever you are, I can’t protect you from this place. And I can’t protect you from me. Your life was never supposed to be this way. It’s time for me to stop pretending I can shield you from the truth of things.

Sturges says we should have this thing ready in a few weeks. I’ll see you soon.


	8. APR 21 2288

Dear brother,

All this time...

Maybe I could’ve done something, maybe if I’d just yelled louder or slammed my fists against the window of that pod a little harder. I don’t know. Maybe I couldn’t have saved either of us from this.

I guess neither of us are the people we were before.


	9. MAY 01 2288

Dear brother,

I found you. I promised that I would and I did. I’m leaving this holo for you because it’s time for this to be over.

I’m taking the kid and we aren’t coming back. I know you could find us—hell, you’ll probably be watching us. What I mean is that I know you could put an end to it, but I know you won’t.

Before, I’d have said that because I knew you. You and me, we both had that _thing_ in us that... I’d never have hurt you and I know you’d never have hurt me.

But now I’m saying it because I know you. I think you really want to love me; I think maybe you even do, in your way. I can’t help you do the things you’re doing and I want to hate you for them. And I can’t

I can’t put an end to the things you’re doing either. We’re both different people now but I still can’t—I won’t—kill my family, if that’s even what we really are. So I’m taking the kid and we’re just gonna go, ok?

I was wrong. Everything’s not gonna be ok. I don’t think much of anything is.

But we’re just gonna try.

Wish me luck.


End file.
